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Service is our middle name. Welcome back Jack. The world is definitely round, ain’t it? Therefore, scientifically, I knew you would be back. I took science at LSU and that means that I am a wizard. Welcome to our world. I threw out the bait. Have I caught your attention yet, partner, ole buddy, ole pal? Let me start out being perfectly honest with you form the get go. You just might be a redneck if you think the stock market has a fence around it. I glanced at all 300 possible Jeff Foxworthy’s 300 reasons Jeff Foxworthy’s 300 reasons that just might qualify you to be an honorable redneck and I was a perfect match for 299 of them. I’m fixinto get on the Wheel of Fortune TV Show. My ship came in. You are definitely here. Howdy, my name is George Artie "Butch" Whitlow and I was born and raised to be a Louisiana Swamp Rat just a tad south, as the crow flies, of West Monroe Louisiana and the Duck Commander is my fine neighbor, and he lives down the hill on the banks of the beautiful Ouachita River. Nice fellow. Phil calls me the Smoke Commander, because I forgot more about smoke than any 3 turkeys in a row will ever know. I ought to, I been conducting smoke school since Jesus was a corporal back in 1984. I mean I wrote the whole 9 yards. Well drop kick me Jesus through the goal post of life.

Well they say hind sight is 20/20 and at the ripe old age of 67, I wish that I had taken a few short cuts along the way. I wish I knew at 22 what I have learned from life experience. But I can truthfully say that you always find exactly what you are looking for in the last place that you looked. “Did you find it? Yes, but I am still looking.” Back in 1969 I wanted to be an FBI agent in the USAF and I believed my trusted recruiter. I got the job of my dreams, packing parachutes and teaching life survival skills to fighter pilots over Vietnam. So there you go, I started out as a teacher. I must have done a wonderful job, because not one single pilot ever came back to complain that the parachute did not open.

Then in 1976 I was chatting with an Assembly of God Church brother named Saint Paul from Minnesota. TSgt Paul was in charge of Bioenvironmental Engineering at Altus air plane patch in Oklahoma and he asked me to become part of his team. Now here it is 2016 and I am still working in environmental. Go figure it that is 30 years. In 1983 my daddy had his first heart attack and I wanted to get to know him again, so I resigned my USAF commission and accepted a job offered by a lifelong friend who just happened to be the Louisiana Secretary of State, Fox McKeithen.

I started out with a bang as a Louisiana DEQ air quality inspector in an office that had been historically understaffed and were 4 years behind on annual inspections. I went nutz, because the air force was so organized and we did not have to deal with politicians. In the air force we did not issue fines and penalties and we never went to court. We sent an inspection letter to you and a copy to your commander. When I came back for follow-up in 30 days, all problems were corrected. I signed on with LDEQ right at the finally of a 10 year long class action law suit, The people of South Baton Rouge verses Rollins Hazardous Waste Disposal. When I put my hand on the Bible I swore to tell the truth and I did. Little did I know that my testimony about the 100% opacity black smoke plume and my accumulated evidence of why it happened, would cost the factory 19 million in fines, penalties, and awards to the victims. I had no way of knowing that 7 New Jersey lawyers, 10 EHS personnel, and 300 employees would lose their source of income when the plant shut its doors forever. That was the exact moment in time that I decided to dedicate my career to teaching environmental compliance at Louisiana DEQ Smoke School. I just might be a redneck, but I am a wizard. I took 24 years EHS experience and $40,000 in Discover Card and turned it into a 1.8 million dollar a year environmental empire. I took a small leap of faith and retired from my day job at Louisiana DEQ on 911, September 1, 2001. That was the bravest thing that I ever did, because America has just declared war and all the real geniuses were afraid the stock market may crash. Stepping out on a limb to hatch Whitlow Enterprises from under a river rock was the bravest thing that I ever did and I am a 13 year disabled Vietnam Veteran United States Air Force Bioenvironmental Engineer. And that is the rest of my story.

I had previously been trying to correct the problems generated by inadequate environmental compliance training for the industrial EHS personnel. Today there are 2 other discrepancies that I would like to discuss with you, global warming or climate change and fugitive dust opacity at grain elevators. In the third grade, when I was paying attention to Miss Irby and not throwing spit balls or playing with Sue Peters’ pony tails, or writing poetry. “Roses are red, violets are blue. Next to ketchup I love Sue.” The subject of the day was planet earth’s position in the solar system and the earth’s wobbling rapid mind blowing rotation on its axis.

Miss Irby illustrated her point by making up a story about Jesus and Mary Magdalene sipping coffee on a blanket in the sand on the moon, right next to the man on the moon. The handsome young couple were chatting and watching the earth wobble on the axis far below them. They noticed that when New York got further away from the sun it started snowing and got colder, than the previous 199 years. They also noticed that when New York got closer to the sun, there was a drought and it got a lot hotter than the previous 200 years. Our precious world leaders think we are a bunch of idiots and they have hid a Harvard University computer model that proves beyond a shadow of doubt that Miss Irby was absolutely correct in 1956, when she placed a child’s spinning top on the surface of her desk and it eventually wobbled, tilted and fell on the floor.

Al Gore is making tons of money by his program of energy exchange. Money does not make the world go around, God does. Whitlow Enterprises has lost hundreds of customers due to the government attack on coal fired electrical power plants that were incorrectly diagnosed with the responsibility of creating climate change. I will make the rest of this short. The government inspectors have a severe lack of formal training in environmental inspections and reading opacity. They are using an incorrect observation point for reading the opacity of dust at grain elevators. They are reading the opacity of dust that is feeding 200 pound catfish and thus, not being emitted into the atmosphere. We would love to train all of you in what it means to be in the right place at the right time.

EPA Smoke School or Visible Emissions Evaluation consists of 2 sections, classroom and field-training and certification. EPA only recommends the classroom. There are no basic requirements for length or content. When I conducted LDEQ classroom, I set up a contract with Tom Rose of ETA to conduct an 8 hour classroom. LDEQ paid Mister Rose $10,000 a year to conduct 2 each 8 hour classrooms a year. That is a ton of money. ETA is located just down the road form EPA headquarters in Research Triangle near Raleigh North Carolina. For whatever reason ETA was EPA’s sole source provider for classroom. Tom Rose designed the 8 hour classroom (I am not sure that conformed to the ethics laws but that was a long time ago) to justify the $10,000 contract and he complained to me that he was not making enough money in Louisiana. When I set up Whitlow Enterprises in 2001, I designed a classroom that covered all you ever need to know in an hour and a half. Whitlow Enterprises classrooms still last an hour and a half. Catherine Lundergan PHD, researched all of the EPA regulations and designed our classroom workbook, which you can take home to learn at your leisure, so you can get back to work at the factory. Recently I took a few extra steps (see below) so you can learn all you need to know and have a classroom now. This is the most effective smoke school classroom ever designed by anyone alive, because it is very descriptive with pictures for illustration. You may also order our classroom, digital full and complete classroom to use in your free time.

Whitlow Enterprises EPA Method 9 training and certification generally last about 3 hours that start at 0800 and noon. Our training has been audited hundreds of times for state and federal environmental agencies. At most school locations our customers are all finished by noon and we move on to our next location. It is very important to let us know if you plan to train any afternoon people. You may consider ordering a smoke school practice test, because they are challenging and fun. As a matter of fact, Jack- Every single aspect of Whitlow Smoke Schools are fun. We have horse since and a desire to serve you to the max. We start your training day off with fresh donuts, hot coffee, and a camp fire. As the day progresses, we provide ice cold bottled water and soft drinks. You will be starving by noon, because our world renowned outdoor chefs will heat up the peanut oil (now we cooking with peanut oil) frying our world famous New Orleans Creole and Cajun thin, crispy southern fried catfish or chicken and all the trimmings. 

I am your Uncle George and I have earned the title of Smoke Commander, because I forgot more than they will ever know. I have been working in the EHS field for more than half of my 67 years of life. I have served as an environmental and occupational health and safety inspector for many years. I have conducted smoke school since 1984. I attended each and every one of ETA’s contracted LDEQ 8 hour classrooms twice a year for 20 years and I was very bored at each and every one. He kept saying the same words over and over and over. It was all about the almighty dollar. My daddy always said time is money so, Your Smoke Commander presents at no charge at all the complete unabridged completely illustrated online smoke school classroom. Click on each thumbnail picture below and it will expand. Read the classroom text and you just might learn a smidgen of what I know. You will learn more than enough to get you by. Don’t hesitate to call us if you run into any problems at all on down the road.

I am the Smoke Commander and the Smoke Master General and I invite you to become part of the Whitlow Enterprises Team. I have plans for a massive explosive expansion of our business. I have mailed out a contract proposal to take over smoke school for the entire United States. I have made the state environmental agencies that they will not refuse. We will set up smoke schools at several convenient locations ion each state. We will be calling on your active and retired employees for part time and full time high paying positions, on The Whitlow Team. Start emailing your resumes to smokeschool@yahoo.com subject employment.

This is the contract proposal letter:

Enterprises Environmental Contract Proposal Letter To: Chief of Environmental Department Air Quality

Reference: President George W Bush Executive Order 13360 SBA Contracting With Service Connected Disabled Veterans, a sole source, no low bidding contract for EPA Method 9 Smoke School, formal classroom and OJT for all of your inspectors in every aspect of conducting an inspection, and to set up, maintain, deliver, and supply all of your state portion of the EPA air quality ambient air sampling network.  

Date: Feb 1, 2016

Dear Sir or Madam:

My name is George Artie “Butch” Whitlow and my West Monroe, Louisiana neighbor down the road is the Duck Commander of the Duck Dynasty family. Phil Robertson calls me the Smoke Commander, because I forgot more about air pollution from smoke and dust than the rest of the universe will ever know.  I am a disabled Vietnam War Veteran of 13 years, where I served as a USAF Hospital Bioenvironmental Engineer conducting inspections for environmental, health, safety, and sanitary objectives. I also taught my share of classrooms. I retired from Louisiana DEQ where I conducted air quality inspections, provided smoke school for 500 attendees every 6 months, set up and maintained our 100 portable buildings for the ambient air sampling network, operated samplers, audited samplers, the whole 9 yards. I participated in producing 2 each 8 hour visible emissions workshop classrooms each year I worked for LDEQ, so I am THE smoke school wizard. Whitlow Enterprises is available for SBA sole source no low bidder contract for each and every one of these momentous tasks that take up so much valuable employee time and effort. Just let George do it. George of the Jungle. Curious George. I solemnly promise to try to avoid any trees. Click here to read the letter.


Other Whitlow Links that are not related to smoke school:

Basic classroom instructions for reading opacity at your plant    Download music from Whitlow Enterprises website    Uncle George Smoke Commander Stories     

Patricia’s Global Okie Freoly Cajun Catering and Bakery    Uncle Earl's West Monroe North Louisiana Bayou Unique Guided Alligator Tours, Fishing Experience, and Hunting Expeditions

Uncle George has a dream of a factory full of handicap workers and providing a hunting camp nearby for their entertainment. Click here to find out how you can help in the goal.

Heart of Gold and Hiring and Entertaining the Handicap Community     Whitlow Enterprises Residential and Commercial Service All Around, now we are bidding on all of your plant maintenance contracts.

This is my favorite smoke school picture of all. This is our silent EPA auditor Margeaux Breaux Boudreaux, a Cajun dummy from Breaux Bridge Louisiana. Margeaux hasn’t aged much since this picture was taken at the beginning of Whitlow Enterprises in 2001. Notice the happy customer smiles. Whitlow Smoke Schools always consists of food, refreshments, fun, smiles, and laughter.

When Uncle George was a young buck in 2001 conducting smoke school in beautiful Fayetteville Arkansas. I am still a maintenance man, not a business man. I can't help it. I am still a redneck too. And proud of it.


Jack, my gun shy squirrel dog guarding the Whitlow crew and happy customers at our front yard near West Monroe Louisiana, the home of the Duck Commander who lives just down the road. This is a makeup smoke school which we hold monthly. The best place to meet the Duck Dynasty family is at Whites Ferry Road Church of Christ Wednesday night coffee call at 7PM. Just tell the boss man, that you missed a smoke school and need to go to the makeup school.

I am a maintenance man, not a business man. During my 20 year tenure at LDEQ I built over a hundred of these PM10 and high-volume air sampler platforms. I am left handed and they called me lightening. I thought it was because I am very slow in my slow southern drawl talking. I have also been told in the air force that if I was any slower, that I would be walking backwards. The LDEQ boys called me lightening because I was a left handed carpenter who could never hit a nail twice in the same place. All of my sampling sites have over 75 bent pressure treated nails to this very day. The high-volume sampler on the right measures total suspended particles or aerosols from smoke and dust in the atmosphere. We started using the PM10 sampler on the left in the late 1990s after EPA established the Title V air quality permit to control particulate matter less than 10 mm aerodynamic equivalent diameter (PM10). It all fits together like a glove. Only PM10 particles contribute to the opacity of a smokestack plume. These particles can bypass the natural human nose and throat filtering system and enter the lungs. These particles mix in the atmosphere with phytochemicals to form ozone which is also harmful to your health at ground level. We once thought ozone was good for you. Southeast Louisiana is called the Ozone Region because of the ozone contributed by pine trees. I just love the smells from a dense piney woods forest. I live in a piney woods forest with the woman, the kids, the dogs, and me. Why don't you drop by and see us sometimes.

My best friend and Partner James Gipson and I formed a well qualified team to conduct smoke school and perform maintenance for LDEQ Air Quality Analysis Section. Over the years that flew by, we created the LDEQ Ambient Air Monitoring Site Network. This is the portable building that we installed in Monroe Louisiana. The job was extremely difficult and sometimes very dangerous, but we loved it. We pulled the buildings onto the sight with a rented trailer. One of us would drag the building off the trailer carefully, and the other would lay under the building and set up the supporting building blocks. One slight error and guess what? You would be crushed. Then we used a gas augur and installed the utility pole and ran the electricity. Then we installed 2 room air conditioners and wall heaters that were regulated by an Acustat thermostat to 78 degrees year round. Then we carefully cut a hole in the tin roof and installed the blown glass air sampling funnel and tubing that you can see coming out of the roof. Once we established the sampling lines, we installed all of the 6 common air criteria pollutant samplers. Then we finished up by installing an anemometer to measure wind direction. Air quality inspectors can sit at their desk computer and constantly observe data from the samplers and the anemometer to pinpoint the exact source of any upset conditions within 8 hours. EPA has established these monitoring networks in every state in the USA. You can run, but you can't hide. Trust me, you should follow the correct procedure to report any upset conditions, before the inspectors go to all the trouble to find you. The fines, penalties, legal services, and negative publicity are very costly. Perhaps the EPA or your state environmental department has issued your company a compliance order to set up one or more of the  6 common air criteria pollutant samplers. If so then don't hesitate to contact us, because I could do this job blind folded. You will be in great hands.Billy Almond, our crew chief for our northern regional area, also has 6 years experience in setting up and maintaining portable buildings. We are available for a sole source government contract to move, set up, and maintain your air quality analysis sampling network.

A big Louisiana Welcome from Miss Pamela And Uncle George Whitlow, The Smoke Commander

EPA Method 9 clearly states that you must have a contrasting background color to see white smoke and read the opacity of white smoke. You can not possibly read white smoke with white clouds in the background. We try to set up with green trees in the background. When I was a young buck LDEQ inspector I stayed in the office and caught up on my reports if it was forecast to be cloudy. On smoke school days, you just do not have the luxury to pick and choose. All of the other smoke school providers just let you suffer and play a guessing game. Not Whitlow Enterprise, we don't play that game. We create a contrasting background. We make certain that you have a visible emissions observation position correctly with the sun to your back and the winds blowing perpendicular to you line of view. This was an open enrolment on-site smoke school in Mobile Alabama. We hung a tarp on the railing on the second floor. In the next picture, the plant brought out a large fork lift to hold the tarp up 17 feet high so their employees could read the white plume opacity and pass the test the very first time. Whitlow also chooses school locations with a picnic shelter so you don't get rained on and your ink want wash off the paper by the rain. Smoke school ain't worth dying of pneumonia or heat stroke. We bring plenty bottles of water and soft drinks to keep you hydrated.



You will see this image on front of Whitlow Enterprises Smoke Machines. I once was best friends for 20 years with the late Thomas Rose, the founder of ETA Smoke School. LDEQ paid Tom $10,000 a year to conduct my semiannual LDEQ Smoke School classroom. I know so much about smoke school because I attended his 8 hour classroom twice a year for 20 years. Tom's son owns ETA now and he is an artist. Tom Junior attended one of my smoke schools in Baton Rouge and gave me this painting he made, which is a caricature of me. It did not take him long to figure me out as a very laid back southern gentleman

I learned by example- not just by words from my Daddy, but by the examples that he set for me by the way he loved and lived his entire life. Second from right is my Daddy, Major George Wesley Whitlow from a little place called Hope in lower Arkansas. These were Daddy's best friends and brothers and he was their Major on the Monroe Louisiana Police Department. They all would have died for each other. They had each others back. Daddy was the Major in charge of traffic for Monroe Louisiana Police Dept. He was the Traffic Commander. I am the Smoke Commander. We give it all 110% effort. A quitter never wins and a winner never quits. Neither my daddy nor me have ever quit anything in our life. He said build it and they will come. I built smoke school and you are still coming by the hundreds. Thank the Good Lord and thank you all. We are as dependable as the day is long. I have become my Daddy. Daddy was a traveling instructor for LSU Law Enforcement Institute. I am a traveling instructor for the service of the United States Environmental Protection Agency. You can bank on Whitlow. The next picture is Daddy on his 3 wheeler Harley Davidson Police motor cycle. We were poor back then right after Daddy got out of the Marines after World War 2. We could not afford the luxury of a car. Daddy toted us around in the box on the back of his 3 wheeler. This is where my kid brother Ricky and I rode to see Santa Clause at the parade end at Howard Griffin Land of Toys.

For several years we conducted an open smoke school for Campbell's Soup in Napoleon Ohio. The EHS coordinator created this picture for me. Our friends come to Whitlow Smoke School to eat and pass a good time.

 The Alabama sun setting between our collapsed smoke school machine smokestack and our tool box. This is a private smoke school location. We love to conduct on-site smoke schools, weather open or private. We are here to serve. Click here for more information or give us a call 318-361-2355 and I am certain you will be completely satisfied. This was at a gas processing plant where they read the opacity of smoking flares, which previously fell just into EPA Method 22. Don't you just admire God's art work creating beautiful sunsets for our enjoyment. There were 365 sunsets last year. How many did you enjoy? Did you remember to stop and smell the roses?

Whitlow always searches for quiet peaceful locations for smoke school, like here at Lake Bistineau State Park near my momma Miss Johnnie's home town of Minden Louisiana. Back when I was a young buck we always had our Whitlow and Harp family reunions here, camped out in the rustic cabins. Daddy and our little league baseball teams came here every summer for camp outs. Whitlow holds our Minden Smoke School here in this quiet park. When it is raining, you can sit under the porch and take the EPA Method 9 Certification test and stay dry.


 This is the community dining room where we held our family reunions. We swam in the pool at the edge of the campground. My momma was an Olympic diver. Daddy was a football, and baseball coach and a football umpire. This is where we hold the Minden Smoke School classroom and gumbo feast. We are always searching for a park like this for smoke school. Email us smokeschool@yahoo.com subject good smoke school location near me.


 In the early years of my environmental career we used pocket Ringlemann Smoke Charts that were numbered from 1 to 5. You look through the top clear window at a smoke plume and matched it to the bottom corresponding window. The old regulations were more concerned with aesthetics. The black smoke did not look very pleasing on the horizon.. The Ringlemann Chart only worked on black smoke. EPA conducted microscope examinations of black smoke, white smoke, and dust and they determined that all particles behaved the same. All of these airborne particles contribute to breathing problems, ozone, and so called climate change. They once called it global warming. You frequently hear the weatherman say we had record warm or record cold temperatures today. What they don't tell you is that the record was set in 1934. Therefore EPA created smoke school in 1976. I met the man who created the first smoke machine and the first smoke school. He worked for the City of Saint Louis and created the smoke machine to monitor tail pipe exhaust of 18 wheelers traveling on Interstate 55. Even way back then in BC (before computers), the government realized that the vast majority of air pollution comes form vehicle traffic, and not from power plants, chemical plants, and other industrial factories. He looked at my smoke machine at the campground we were using in South Louisiana and said not much has changed since he designed it. EPA created the opacity theory that related to the old Ringlemann chart. The old regulations said that no one could create smoke any darker than Number 1 on the Ringlemann chart. The new regulations basically limits opacity to 20% over a 6 minute average, when using a stopwatch to observe the plume once every 15 seconds. Each Title V air quality permit is very specific on visible emissions opacity sources, allowable levels of opacity, and the frequency of how often you are required to read the opacity. Unfortunately these permits are written in a legal flare and are difficult to understand, even for a veteran inspector like me. I saw several competitor smoke school websites that brag that they do not interpret your permit. How can they possibly train you? You get what you pay for. Whitlow Enterprises will be happy to explain your permit at no charge. Just call us. These pocket charts are extremely accurate for reading black smoke, therefore we offer them at a reasonable price. Click here to order a pocket Ringlemann Smoke Chart.

Common Opacity Visible Emissions Sources and Whitlow Smoke School Education about reading opacity, follow my veteran LDEQ inspector advice and you cannot go wrong:

These are called attached steam or water vapor plums, because they are touching and attached to the smokestack. As the steam rises, it cools off and the water vapor evaporates. You have to be patient and read the opacity after all of the steam evaporates. If you follow these simple procedures your opacity should not exceed 10% particulate matter. All of the rest is water. If your opacity is close to 10% then something broke. Fix it and then read the opacity again. Remember that we have multiple smokestacks. The plumes will mix and it will be very difficult to document a violation, because you must isolate one plume at a time. However you can document that the overall combined opacity is below your permit. We recommend that you read the opacity every day and keep a log book of all opacity readings and all maintenance. If the steam is not touching the smokestack, then it is called detached. You can read the opacity before the steam starts or after it ends. The opacity will be the same.

This is a grain elevator. There are several visible emissions sources in this picture. The conveyor belt is a source of fugitive emissions dust. These belts should be enclosed. This calls for EPA Method 22. You will see a bag house vent. This calls for EPA Method 9 and you should read the opacity across the narrowest side of the bag house vent. The tuck loading area should be as enclosed as possible and falls into EPA Method 22 and EPA Method 9. You want to read the opacity of the dust that is actually being emitted into the atmosphere. There will be an airborne plume and you read the opacity at the densest part of this plume. You need to allow about 100 feet for most of the dust to settle back in the road. The same is true for a barge loading area. Barge gain dust that falls into the river is feeding catfish and not polluting the air. Please buy some common horse since.

This is a smoking gas flare, that for safety reasons burns off excess waste gas. If everything is working properly, there should be no smoke at all. The smoke is usually so intermittent that it is extremely difficult to record a violation. Fix the flare if it is broken. Report upset conditions to your environmental department before some one else does. This falls into both EPA Method 22 and EPA Method 9 and you read the opacity at the densest part of the plume, usually the tip of the flare. The remainder of lingering smoke cannot be regulated. I remember one of my first inspections at LDEQ in 1983. The plant manager said he could stop the flare from smoking. I said, Do it. The manager got on his warlike talkie and a fellow came along on a mule. We drove about a mile from the plant. The plant manager warned me that when he told the operator to shut off the flair, there would be a loud explosion. I said, Let it smoke.

This is road dust. EPA has very specific procedures for reading the opacity of road dust. The procedure calls for a time frequency after the wheels pass by. This falls into EPA Method 22 and EPA Method 9. It is difficult to control blowing dust. You need to keep the dust from blowing off of your property. You can do a Method 22 at the property line. Many plants have purchased adjacent property. Not a bad ideal. Pavement sweepers and water trucks help a lot. Avoid allowing the wet dirt to get onto a public roadway. Lawsuit city.

This water truck is the best control measure for road dust.

The cyclone system is designed to capture the saw dust before it reaches the breathing zone of your employees. The system sucks the saw dust into the cyclone where it spins around and around inside the walls. Most of the dust settles at the bottom and you can sell it. There are filters and vents at the top. You read the opacity across the narrowest side of the vent. Back in the late 1970s when I was a young buck in the USAF Bioenvironmental Engineer we had to design these systems to meet OSHA requirements.

This is an air curtain incinerator for burning waste timber when clearing land for construction. The entire staff of New York City EPA flew down to our piney woods home way down here in West Monroe Louisiana to take Whitlow Enterprises Smoke School EPA Method 9 field-training and classroom, so they could meet New York City stringent requirement for zero opacity of smoke from cleaning up debris from Hurricane Sandy. While they were here they met and shook hands with the Duck Dynasty crew. The NYC EPA lit the fire in the air curtain incinerator and it burned for 4 months. They observed the plume opacity every 30 minutes around the clock. If you follow the manufacture's operating instructions, there will be some smoke initially until the temperature stabilizes, then no smoke at all. You read the opacity across the narrowest side of the hole in the ground. Back in my very early days at Neville High School, the class of 1966, my best friend and sidekick was a hilarious fallow named Bobby Bentz. He drove around in a Mercades Bense and an old US Army World War 2 Half Track convertible. Bobby would lay on the floor and work the gas and brake pedals and I would stand up in the driver's seat and control the steering wheel. I looked 18 feet tall cruising through Hoppers Drive In Restaurant on Louisville Ave in Monroe Louisiana, for all the girls to see. During the summer we got a job at his daddy's construction company, Bentz and Elmore. Bobby's daddy was named Robert Edward Bentz but we laughingly called him The Old Man or the Hawk, because he watched us like a chicken hawk. You would to, trust me. On the job, sometimes when the Forman was looking, we would actually work. Most of the time the Forman was napping in his air conditioned white picking up truck in the hot blazing dog days of summer Louisiana humidity.  While the Forman was napping Bobby and I took turns napping in the shade while the other stood watch in the tree above. Hawk Eye would a been well pleased. I am sure. Bentz and Elmore's contract with Selman Field Monroe Airport, called for us to cut the good timber for logs and pile it up for the log trucks. Then we used the bull dozer to pile up the trash timber and burn it. We hauled in hundreds of 5 gallon buckets of diesel fuel and millions of old tires. Then we set the woods ablaze. You could see black smoke clear to Shreveport and Dallas.  We were he boys from Camp Kookamunga and when we saw the girls, then we set the woods ablaze.

This is a rock quarry where they make little rocks out of big rocks. "Do you know how to get to Little Rock."  "I don't know, but there is a big rock just down the road." You should come to our Little Rock Smoke School. or our North Little Rock Smoke School. You will become friends with the Arkansas DEQ. They are nice folks. They are my friends. Whitlow Enterprises has been training Arkansas DEQ since 2002. My Daddy, like Bill Clinton, was born in a little place called Hope. Hope is in lower Arkansas. We also conduct EPA Smoke School in El Dorado, Texarkana, Fort Smith, and Osceola. We also have several private smoke schools in Arkansas. They call Arkansas the Nature State. Wouldn't you love to have Whitlow Enterprises Smoke Schools near your home. Link to Whitlow Enterprises Smoke School on your Facebook page and the Facebook pages of your EPA and state environmental department. If you are a rock quarry, then you need to get 20 people EPA Method 9 Certified and you need an onsite smoke school. We will do some OJT to teach you how to read the 100 sources of visible emissions at your plant. It is that complicated, I garontee. You have to read the opacity of each airborne plume and at least attempt to isolate one source form another. The sources include: transfer points from conveyer to conveyer, dust falling onto dust piles, truck loading areas, and explosion dust. Then you have your every day constant road dust. I hope that you are smart enough to wear protective clothing, dust mask, ear plugs, and a smile. It is dangerous very hard work, but somebody has to do it. Pick up the phone and call us sometimes. One Virginia rock quarry hired us for OJT and I observed a quarry explosion to excavate the rocks. The opacity was clearly 100% and I asked him why the EPA put up with it. He answered that they have warning signs saying EXPLOSIONS!

This is a coal fired electrical power generating plant. I am so sorry and I think it is so ridiculous that EPA is striving to close down the coal fired power industry and put thousands of coal miners on welfare. Climate change is a natural earth cycle because record temperatures were set in 1934. Everyone with common horse since knows that the to most common cause of so called climate change is vehicle traffic. Just try to regulate and tamper with traffic jambs. The government should concentrate their efforts on forced car pooling, mass transportation, traffic circles instead of red lights, the old but hidden invention of cars and trucks with real fuel economy, and less emissions. My favorite hippie singer, Neal Young

Meet my neighbors, the Duck Dynasty Family.

This is a lime truck dropping lime to stabilize the soil for agriculture, road construction, and parking lot construction. This was one of my chief complaints over the toll free telephone complaint system at LDEQ. Some of the lime actually made it to the ground. Most of it was blown into the atmosphere, usually in some rich guy's neighborhood. It will strip the paint right off of your new truck. I once owned 15 acres of prime hunting land north of Baton Rouge near a town called Slaughter. We called it Redwood Creek Blueberry Farm.  We had a pick your own blueberry farm there, which was a tax deduction for my deer camp and quail hunting camp. The guy down the road leased his 80 acres to a local corn farmer. Before that there were hundreds of Bob White Quail everywhere you looked. I invited the plant managers to go quail hunting with my dog Phideaux. I discoved a mountain of lime on the south end of the corn field. Within 12 months every single quail was dead. Then there were none. The lime softened the quail eggs. I wish it would kill fire ants. I highly recommend that you abandon the use of lime trucks because they cannot possibly do much good. The lime blows away. You would use EPA Method 22 for this. Try to keep the lime from blowing on other people's property. Over the years I have told some great quail hunting stories. So has my good friend the late Jerry Clower. Here is Jerry's story of Bird Hunting. Like me, Jerry started out as a humble seed salesman in Route 4, Liberty Mississippi. Now we are great story tellers. Here are some of the stories that I have written since I discovered the internet in 1998. Like my cousin Jerry, I will be very happy to stand up to entertain your guests at any function. Just let me know. Email smokeschool@yahoo.com subject Uncle George for guest speaker. Over the past few years I have attempted to walk closer to the Good Lord. I have done a lot of stupid ignorant things in my life and made a lot of people not like me at all. I promised that if I could have a closer walk with Jesus, that I would make up for all the bad things by conducting a random act of kindness every day. For the most part it wasn't much and took little effort. I did little minor things like pay for an older couples lunch, wash someone's car while they were working and didn't know it, or maybe help a blind man across the street. The greatest act of random kindness that I ever had the privilege of being a small part of started back in 1998 when I wrote an internet story that Got Kawatta Bosby out of Angola Prison 10 years after being sentenced to life in prison for a murder that he did not commit. That was the greatest good deed that I have ever done. The public defendant and the district attorney of Baton Rouge read my story and agreed that I was correct. Still it took them 5 more years to admit their mistake. 

This is an animal rendering plant. LDEQ gets numerous complaints about rendering plants. Smoke school comes into play when they use an incinerator to burn waste. You use EPA Method 9 and read the opacity at the densest part of the airborne plume. The complaints were always odor complaints, but the smell did not come from the incinerator. The smell comes from the blood washing into the oxidation pond. The same is true for dairy farms and sour milk. Most of the odor associated with paper and pulp mills also comes form runoff water.

This is a digital camera. EPA now requires digital monitoring for opacity for all hazardous air pollutants. Watch it buster or you will spend millions for something you can get at Wal-Mart. Call Whitlow Enterprises first and we will come out and evaluate your situation. In my personal opinion Digital Opacity may make smoke school obsolete.

You have discovered the number one source for air pollution and so called climate change in the world. Did you notice the traffic in Pairs during the Climate Change Convention? It is past time to start thinking about things like car pooling, busses, and mass fast passenger train service. 

The Smoke Commander is still a common man. I have a common van. My favorite car is my luxury car, a 1984 Cadillac Fleetwood Brougham. Like my partner Johnny Cash, I got it one piece at a time and it didn't cost me a dime. You might say I got it straight from the factory. I purchased this vintage luxury car for only $10,000 from a retired USAF Master Sargent from Barksdale AFB in Bossier City. The Cadillac only had 30,000 miles on it the first sergeant had a staff car. He said he only used his vintage car to go to Las Vegas now and again. He parked it in a garage, like I still do, some 150,000 miles later. I have had very few maintenance problems. I hit a 13 point buck on the home from our Hot Springs Arkansas Smoke School and it just busted out the headlights on the passenger side. Then the deer jumped up, showed a white flag and there he was, Gone. They don't make em like they used too. That's for sure, for sure. There are layers of welding rebar between the grill and the radiator. Now a days vehicles are made for gas mileage and pollution control, more for pollution control. Some to slow down OPEC. The modern vehicles are too small for a fat man like me and they are made of plastic and used Falstaff Beer Cans.

That was a Cadillac, this is a cataract. You earn these by not wearing g eye protection at work or play. Over the pat 6 months I had both of mine surgically removed. My optometrist Hike Humble said that I can see 20/20 for the first time in  20 years.

This is called ear protection. You wear this at work or play if the noise is so loud, that you can't carry on a conversation with your coworker standing close to you.

These are called hearing aids. Mine, top left, cost $5,000 and way back in 1976, I became a  Hearing Conservationist in the US Air Force. Before that, nobody ever warned me that noise from industrial plants and machine guns triggered hearing loss. Too bad your ears don't bleed when you are destroying them inch by inch. I hate hearing aids with a passion. I have owned them for 30 years. I refuse the wear them unless Miss Pam complains about the volume on the TV. I will be willing to help you with your hearing conservation program. I am available for public speaking or to conduct hazardous noise programs. I can even assist you with your hearing conservation hazardous noise programs. We can do labeling. Pick up the phone and call Whitlow Enterprises rat now. HUH!

I also love my LSU racing truck, the 1984 Chevrolet Picking up truck. See the USA in your Chevrolet. I purchased this Chevy almost brand new form my pal Larry Cobb who does a great Job at his Cobb's Custom Trucks in Monroe Louisiana. Larry installs the camper shells and sliding bed rails on all of our fleet of Whitlow Smoke School pickup trucks. He also restores popular models of vintage cars and trucks, like the 1966 GTO. Larry said that he usually clears $1,000 profit by selling his cars on EBAY all over the world.

Uncle G Artie Whitlow The Smoke Commander and Smoke Master General, just another old cowboy hippie redneck and thank you, I am proud of it. My momma and daddy would be proud of me now. I learned from their examples.


As star quarterback and Duck Commander, Phil Robertson says. When you come to Whitlow, now your cooking with peanut oil.


This is the only novel that I have written. It is based on real people in my wonderful creative laid back southern childhood growing up pitching baseball on my daddy's Monroe Police Little League State Championship Team.  The novel is also about hunting and fishing in North Louisiana, out in the woods where you feel closer to God. I took this pitcher on my momma's back porch on Woolen Lake in Hebert Louisiana, where the bass and perch are always biting. There are always plenty of camps for sale on the lakes and rivers near Hebert. Fishing is wonderful right from your porch. I removed a couple of boards from momma's porch so I could drop a line in the gap and pull in the white perch crappie that often weighed 2 pounds. I caught a bass once that weighed a whopping 13 pounds on a shiner while i was napping in the bottom of my leaking aluminum John Boat. The duck and deer hunting is great. Hebert is located in the middle of the main duck flight path down in the fertile Mississippi Delta from Stuttgart Arkansas to South America.  Like me, my novel is best if you read it slow on your deer stand. Read it out loud with a slow southern drawl. To order my novel on line, just click on the book cover and then type in G Artie Whitlow. You may just win an autographed copy at Whitlow Smoke School.

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