Whitlow New Year’s Revelation Bear Attack

Happy happy happy new year from Uncle George and Whitlow Enterprises Smoke School. We have survived some lessons in crises management over the past few weeks. We have learned a lesson and that is Jack, whatever don’t kill you makes you stronger. The good Lord really do make all things work together for good to those who try to love the Lord. That is Biblical in the red letters in first parentheses. I am happy happy happy to report that we have survived the end of the world. I lost 3 bucks on that bet. Sweet Angie survived the ice storm and blizzard back in her home sweet home town in Vincennes Indiana and I survived getting really lost in the woods here deer hunting. Sure am glad that I stumbled into a hunting camp with a fireplace out front. It was down to my lat piece of toilet paper when I got the fire started. I was glad my cell phone had some bars and my great friend Caldwell Parish Deputy Dunn rescued me. His father is Eugene Dunn and Eugene is the long time Caldwell Parish Clerk of Court. Sound travels very well in the woods and for years I had a deer stand 200 yards form Eugene's house. I heard every conversation for about 10 years. I would vote for Eugene for president.

 Bear attack: A few days before that, on Christmas Eve, I spent most of the day in my portable 4’ by 8’ by 8’ box deer stand what John David Wallace and I built on my old boat trailer. We jacked it up so it was level and Dave put a rock under the tires. Next time he needs to put a rock under the tires and I mean a rock. What he got was not much bigger than a grapefruit.  Any who- I spent most of the day there with a James Lee Burke audiobook and head phones listening to yet another Detective Dave Robicheaux novel set in New Iberia, Louidisna. I was sipping on a thermos (the smartest thing in the world. It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold. How do it know?) The thermos consisted of fresh ground community coffee and Irish cream, spiked with my cough syrup of Jim Beam Red Stag Black Cherry whiskey what my great Mexican American constable at our Corpus Christy, Texas smoke school turned me on to. Really smooth sipping bourbon. I get a lot of coughs lately. I had an old vinyl Beethoven’s 5th playing on an old wind up Victoria that I sat out near the corn feeder, about 90 yards away from the deer stand. A coyote, 3 coons, and 4 squirrels came up at different times to watch the record spin. Other than that I saw a few wild turkeys and woodpeckers but really enjoyed the day relaxing with the heater on.

I was well prepared with my 30-06, twice barrel sawed off 34 inch 10 gauge shoot-em-up gun, my Thompson machine gun, and my 357 do you feel lucky Clint Eastwood magnum pistola. Down here we don’t cotton much to no gun control laws. I was Dirty Harry, G I Joe and John Wayne all rolled into one. I pushed the remote button and the Doe in Heat fogger went off near the corn feeder.

About zero dark thirty the dinner bell rang when the timer of the corn feeder spun the wheel and slung the corn out about 20 feet. Within 3 minutes 2 yearling deer came out of the pine tree thicket onto the logging road for some fresh corn and then watched the record spin Beethoven. About 3 minutes later momma came out for some corn. Then about 3 minutes later daddy came out. Boy let me tell you what. That buck was created by God just for Outdoor Magazine. He was 9 feet tall and 15 feet long. He looked like a water buffalo. He had a very big rack, so big that I saw him back up to get between 2 trees. He was about a 45 pointer. I let him fill up with corn. When he put his head down to look at the musical notes floating off the venal record, I chose the 30-06 and scoped him in with the cross hairs at the front shoulder. Trouble was that I had the buck fever so bad, I was shaking the deer stand and the boat trailer.  

POW! That buck went down like a ton of lard. What weighs more a ton of lard, a ton of bricks, or a ton of feathers? How do you spell Mississippi? The state or the river. About 4 minutes later, there he was, the meanest, blackest, nastiest bear that you ain’t never seen before or after in yo8ur entire life. He was 15 feet tall and weighed a thousand pounds. He came charging out of the thicket reared up on 2 feet growling, roaring and charging my buck. He grabbed my buck with his teeth by the throat and started dragging him off. He stopped momentarily to listen to Beethoven. Don’t tell Gary Watts this. That Louisiana game warden is still trying to catch me using dynamite to catch the catfish. Don’t tell Gary this but I was not going to let that bear get my buck. I scoped him in on the front belly. Trouble was that I had the bear fever now and was shaking the boat trailer again. POW! I must have just winged him, maybe got him in the buffalo wing or something. Because I done made that bear mad as an old hen or a nanny goat.

Grisly dropped my buck and charged me and my boat deer stand. Growling! Roar! He stuck his arm through the window and grabbed the wall. Then he must have pushed the tire over the rock because I went rolling down the ravine and down a cliff. The bear came charging roaring behind me following the contraption down the cliff. During the commotion I fell out the front door of the stand and my arsenal stayed in the box. That bear was upon me like scum on a Louisiana swamp and stink on a stink bug. I started running and he was right there behind me.

I grabbed my Buck pocketknife and threw it at him, but that did not slow him down. I threw my hat, coat, boots, and clothes at him. Then I threw my insulated underwear and skivvies at him. I gained about 20 feet as he was ripping these things apart. I had a skinning knife strapped to my leg and I grabbed that and sat down on a stump to rest and catch my breath. I started praying, “Lord if you are on the bear’s side, let him grab me and kill me in one bite. If you are on my side, let me stick this knife in him and kill him before he bites me. If you are in neutral, just sit down right chere on this stump and watch the dangest bear fight you have ever seen.”

Let me tell you what Jack, the Lord  still answers prayer. He answers knee mail. That nasty bear found me sitting there naked freezing on a stump and felt sorry for me. He yawned shrugged his shoulders turned and walked away.

I managed to make it back to the box deer stand what had collapsed against a boulder. The heater was still working so I thawed up a bit. I found my Thompson machine gun and went up to get my deer. I guess I must have just knocked him out because he was standing there watching, grunting, and stomping at me. Then he yawned and turned and showed me his white flag. Then there he was- GONE. I fired all 30 rounds at him with my Thompson, but I missed. And that is a true story.

I decided to make a New Years revolution. This morning we held a smoke school here at our house out in the woods south of West Monroe. Around daylight I kept creeping awake but it was cold out so I really wanted to stay under the blanky. My left arm was all that was out of the covers and definitely someone slapped me hade on the back part of my arm somewhere between the elbow and the wrist. I thought it was David coming in to wake me up, but he would not do that- not with Angie in the room. I looked fast but nobody was standing there. Angie was still snoring.

I got up and headed for the bathroom for my daily routine. All of a sudden while I was on the throne, it hit me. A wave of love. It was like waking up and taking the snails off my eyes. I felt an over abundance of love and peace, sort of like Jimmy Stewart in that movie where Clarence got the bell. Every time a bell rings, and angel gets his or her wings- politically correct. I realize that I love everybody. I love my wife. I love my dog Jack. I even love my no-brother-good-law from Illinois. I love my son Aaron and all my extended family employees- lets see--- what are their names- old timers is creeping in. I hid my own Easter Eggs again this year. We have Larry the real cable guy, John David Wallace the fire fighter, Pete the nice guy, Saint Paul the Methodist Preacher. I love Colleen the teacher turned bookkeeper and Wendy, Pete's wife that takes care of the phone and registrations. Then we have the extended family in Indiana. Dave Hudson who is just a miracle in himself. Then we got his son Adam and his daughter Adair. Whoooooooooooooooo! I love em all. And I love each and every one of you for reading my emails, reading the webpage and showing up time after time for smoke school. You are all a blessing and I appreciate you so much. Lately even you customers have noticed that the smoke machine runs better, there are less delays due to maintenance problems, and that the crew is getting along like a band of brothers and sisters. I finally got rid of a square peg in a round hole. I will just give you one clue as to why. John David Wallace came back to work for us and as always, He makes an excellent crew chief. he is a great highly skilled trouble shooter, a dedicated Christian who is very easy to get along with, and he never gives up until he solves a problem. He stays on top of daily routine maintenance of the smoke machines. This is also true of David Hudson of the Indiana crew. The shoe just did not fit with the my former crew chief. Welcome back David. You need to make sure to try on the shoes before you purchase them. Always look a gift horse in the mouth. Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know just what you are gonna get. That's what my momma always used to say.

My New Years revolution is to do at least one random act of kindness every day. I have been trying to do this for the past 6 months. You should try it, it is more rewarding than you can imagine. I have always heard that it is better to give than to receive. That is what my momma always used to say. That and life is just like a box of chocolates. You never know just what you gonna get. Here are some of the things that I have done and you should try them.

 Pick up someone's ticket at a restaurant and pay for their meal. Pay for someone's purchases at Walmart. Push an elderly lady's cart out to her car and load it in the trunk. Stop the Cadillac and help a blind person walk across the street.  Take turkey, ham and trimmings to my 90 year old aunt's house and have Christmas dinner with Larry, Aunt Shirley, and Cousin Genie. Donate money for a lot of charities. Donate to red cross for Sandy. Put the gas in someone's car.  

We conducted special smoke schools for New York City Department of Environmental Protection and others associated with burning up debris from Hurricane Sandy. This special training included both night time and day time opacity certification to monitor smoke from air curtain destructive devices to burn debris. Contact us if you have any special needs for smoke school.

I like to treat everybody at smoke school equal and special. I decided to treat these guys really special due to their hardship working with this entire hurricane cleanup. My sympathy really goes out to the thousands who lost so much during this storm of the century. I took them to my favorite restaurant, The Water Front Grill where they really enjoyed catfish po boys. Then later we cooked up some larruping Cajun fried catfish and shrimp. Then I took them on a tour of the Duck Dynasty Duck Commander  factory, warehouse, store, and office where A&E films the show. Aaron Johnson, who works for an environmental consulting firm out of Pennsylvania, got really lucky.  As we were about to leave the store, Miss Kay showed up to pose for pictures. Sweet Angie and I have been to the store several times the last few months during the Christmas season and usually Phil, Si, Willy or Martin come outside for photo and autograph sessions.

These guys really have gone up from the 1980s when Phil started the manufacturing of duck calls in 2 sheds that were 10’ by 10’. Phil would often show up barefooted to demonstrate duck calling at Howard Griffin Land of Boats. I guess Hollywood does that to you. We need to start our own reality show and call it Smoke Wars. This might give you some incentive to register for our West Monroe Smoke Schools. You can get your picture taken with these bearded celebrities.

I spent the better part of the day with Aaron Johnson and I really liked him because he is extremely well mannered, talkative, polite and respectable. He seems very bright and well educated.  He expressed an interest in moving down here or at least somewhere in Dixie. He works for an environmental consulting firm and has vast experience in visible emissions, stack testing and other areas. I would love to hire him but sweet Angie, the wife and boss says not now. Aaron would be a great advantage to our company or yours, that’s for sure. He is a kid with a great personality and characteristics and value that are becoming rare and hard to find. An Air Force recruiter informed me that half the young men they interview are unacceptable to wear a uniform due to drugs or criminal records. Aaron would be a great asset to your company. Call me 318-361-2355 or email Aaron at ajohnson@avogadro.net .

 I have had time to modify our home page. Turn up your speakers to listen to ZZ Top Sharp Dressed Man. Welcome home to Whitlow Smoke School Nation where everyone knows your name. Created from the imagination of Uncle George Whitlow, Louisiana DEQ retired environmental inspector. READ MORE

I have written a few more stories.

Hello my name is Uncle George Whitlow. I am enjoying a fresh cup of fresh ground Community Whole Bean coffee made in a coffee maker that no other people in the house can figure out how to use. After I got it, it took a full hour to read the instructions over and over and over and over again and again to put it together. It is a complicated procedure that starts with pouring in the beans and adding water. Then you push the button and listen to and smell the beans grinding. READ MORE

Recently we held a relaxing peaceful stress free smoke school here at our home in the woods of the sandy hills of Northeast Louisiana near West Monroe Louisiana. We held the smoke school especially for 8 employees of the New York City Department of Environmental Protection. These guys have been working hard 24/7 to keep the sky smoke free while monitoring air curtain destructor devices used to burn tons and tons of debris from Hurricane SandyREAD MORE

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