Mother’s day greetings 2013 from the heart and soul of The Smoke Commander, a story about baseball, polio, Jesus, and my momma, Miss Johnnie.


Greetings from the SMOKE COMMANDER- How Y’all are.



It has been a quiet week here in the piney woods of West Monroe just down through the woods from Phil the Duck Commander’s double wide. We have been blessed with much well needed rain, although it was a very chilly start for early May. I moved my office to the back patio and the frogs are serenading me, I have been accused so much with my long gray and black goatee of being a part of the Robertson Family. Therefore I shopped online at Bass Pro and got several sets of Redhead very light weight camouflage shorts, short sleeve shirts, long pants, and long sleeve shirts. These are very light, so light that I have to check to see if my pants are on, especially if the wind is blowing. Are my pants on? Yep, but your hat’s on crooked. You see, if you are as big as a barn like me, then your blue jeans weigh 45 pounds. I also stopped by the Duck Dynasty store and got 2 of their camo hats. My favorite was designed by Si and it says, “I speak Duckanese.”

At the moment, I am on the back patio watching my squirrel dog Jack and listening to a rerun of The LSU at Texas A&M internet baseball broadcast with my longtime pal Jimmy Hawthorne. I listened to the live game last night until it got rained out. Texas A&M won that game this morning and that was LSU’s first loss of a series opener. I will bet you 20 silver dollars that LSU wins this game tonight and outright wins the SEC West Title.

Last night as I was listening to Jimmy, I was also listening to the thunder and rain on the tin roof. The raindrops falling on my head reminded the raindrop bucket on the floor by the kitchen table back when I was a young buck. It reminded me of Miss Johnnie’s unique home cooking from her Pea Patch. Then I realized that it was Mother’s Day and I really started to miss my momma. I was rewriting our fees page at, and as usual my mind started drifting, and so did our fees page. I told you all about my love for Miss Johnnie and invited you on a Trip to Bountiful to sit with Miss Johnnie in her rocking chair on the porch. There will not be a dry eye in the stadium.

I redid the fees page to include discounts for multiple attendees. You can send some in the morning and some in the afternoon. I also asked you to host open enrollment schools at your plant. Like the good book says, I am giving back and I am asking you, our fiends for help. Pray and put on your thinking cap. You, your friends, and family can earn extra cash participating in our refer a friend program. This is our slow season and you can host an open enrollment or private onsite smoke school. You can like us on Facebook and tell your friends about us. You can take me fishing so I can stop worrying about all of this.

Friday afternoon right here on the patio, I sat down with Colleen, Pete, David to have a brainstorming on whether or not we should reduce our fees considering the fact that several new fly by the night smoke school companies have popped up with cheaper fees. The advent of the internet makes it a battle of the fees. We concluded that you were too smart to waste money and time on a used beat-up Dodge Dart, when you could pay a few pennies more and get a new Cadillac. Momma always used to say that life was like a box of chocolates and that you always get just exactly what you pay for, EXACTLY! These other guys just want you to fill up their pocket books so they can get rich quick at your expense and go to Dallas to get a cup of coffee. You need to remember that your SMOKE COMMANDER is a very wise, old, exotic, and experienced man. I forgot more than they will ever know.

You need someone who can keep you out of hot water with the inspectors, and CNN, and the judge and jury. These other cheap guys have never been on an inspection in their young life, they have never read or enforced the regulations, and there are tons and tons of regulations red tape that apply to your particular plant. They have never been cross examined over and over and over again by some rich lawyer from New Jersey, trying to buy a new Lincoln Continental and send his kids to Massachusetts Institute of Technology. I been there a few too many times, took a picture of it and framed it.  I won the purple bleeding heart award for putting up with them. Let’s go fishing.

I would like to start offering services other than smoke school because smoke school is so seasonal. Can you think of something that you need around the plant? We have 5 DOTD registered trucks. We have talent in occupational safety, industrial hygiene, hearing conservation, respiratory protection. We have worked with labeling and fire extinguishers. I even have talent in Chemical Warfare Defense and teaching Vietnam War pilots how to stay alive after crashing behind enemy lines by eating snails, leaches, snakes, bugs, and frogs. Cock roaches and crickets are good eating- snap, snap, snap.

I am slowly chopping away at rewriting the entire web page. The webpage has been around before Whitlow Smoke School Nation was born in 2001. There must be 1,000 individual pages including everything I ever knew about visible emissions and half the things that I forgot. The new website is pleasing to your eye and to your musical ear. Each individual smoke school location page tells you exactly why Whitlow provides the very best in customer service. Well this is the SMOKE COMMANDER signing off. Be well. Do Good work. Call your mother.

If you like this story, you should read the other stories from the heart of the smoke commander

It ain't over until the fat cat sings

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