Whitlow Smoke School  Nation

Smoke School Stories

The Water Well Inspection for President Lyndon Johnson    June 14, 2010

While serving this great nation in the US Air Force as an Environmental Health Technician from 1976 to 1983, I had 3 lives. I conducted inspections to enforce regulations for EPA, OSHA, and was a public health sanitary inspector. I received my training at Brooks AFB USAF School of Aerospace Medicine (USAF SAM) in San Antonio Texas. My classroom instructor told me a story about his sanitary inspection for President Johnson. LBJ had several picnics at his LBJ Ranch near Johnson City and Stonewall, Texas. Since, the USAF provided security for these events, our hospital commander was concerned about the public health effects of the LBJ, cattle ranch on the drinking water from the family water well. The commander ordered us to go to the ranch and collect drinking water samples from the well and run lab tests for fecal coliform bacteria from the cow paddies.   

We checked LBJ’s schedule and made sure he was in Washington, then drove out to the ranch and collected water samples from the well. We carefully took the samples to our lab, and sure nuff, they were coated with fecal coliform. I wrote a real nice very formal letter to LBJ signed by the commander. The letter looked something like this:

Dear MR President:

We tested your water well and it was severely contaminated with fecal coliform bacteria from your cattle grazing near the well. This water is extremely unhealthful to drink. We strongly suggest that you boil your water or add chlorine to your water immediately. You should consider using city drinking water.

I received a nice letter from Johnson in his own handwriting. All it said was “kiss my ass.”

The other day I was listening to Bill Mack the Satellite Cowboy and Bill told a couple of funny amusing stories about his personal experiences with LBJ. Bill was broadcasting live on the Midnight Cowboy Show out of WBAP Fort Worth Texas when he received a telephone call from someone who said that he as a member of the Secret Service. The caller informed Bill that he had President Johnson in the back seat of the limousine and that LBJ was hot and wanted an ice cold Lone Star Beer.  LBJ was requesting a quiet bar where he and the Secret Service could enjoy a beer.

Bill thought the guy was joking but he broadcast the request over the airwaves. One particular bar called in and said the President was welcome to come have a cold beer on the house. A few weeks later Johnson mailed Bill a signed autographed photo of him drinking a beer in the bar.

In another story, the White House called Bill to request that he put together a singing group for a band to play a Dance at the LBJ ranch. Bill arranged to Earnest Tubb to play for the dance at the ranch. Bill was the MC. Bill said that during the first song, Lady Bird came up to me and asked “Who is in charge?”

I answered “Sorry but I can’t hear you.”

“Who is in charge!!!”

Bill answered, “I guess I am mam.”

“Can you tell them to turn it down!!!”

Then she walked back to the table, leaned into LBJ’s ear and I heard her say, “I told you we should have hired Lawrence Welk.”