Side Effects of Choosing a Bad Smoke School Provider

Side Effects of Choosing a Bad Smoke School Provider:

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Music- Barroom Buddies sang by Everybody's hero Clint Eastwood and my cousin Merle

You Don't Like Whitlow Smoke School-

Go Ahead- Make my Day

Scroll down past my picture if you feel lucky- to see the side effects of not Choosing Whitlow

My Cousin Merle

Common Side Effects of Other Smoke School Providers

itchy watery eyes
fear of Tests, taking- Testophobia
lumps on head due to flying clipboards
rain washing the ink off of your test paper
frozen fingers
wet hair
yard chair blisters on your rear end
having your vision of the smokestack being obstructed by a Mack Truck, as the driver stops and gets out to ask you what you are doing.
hearing the words number one, read, and then getting run over by a Mack Truck
tunnel vision
optical illusions Click one of my eyes.
fear of running over an Amish Buggy
constipation
droopy eyelids
Murphy's Law will get you
Joe Friday will get you
Barney Fife will find another bullet
2+2 will equal 6
79 will go into 18
snow in August
run out of gas on your deer stand
ride with your friend to your deer stand, get in the stand and realize you left your gun at the camp- that did happen to me
ride with your friend to your deer stand, wait until after dark, and hear the motor on your friends truck crank up and he leaves you in the woods. It was not cold when you got to the stand at 2 pm, so you left your coat at the camp. The temperature drops below freezing at midnight, you cant get a fire to stay lit, your flashlight runs out of batteries, you are wearing doe in heat, you hear an animal stalking you in the dark woods, is it a bear or a big buck? It turns out to be a beagle puppy and you snuggle up to each other to keep warm. After daylight Uncle Bill shows up to pick you up. All of that and you are still speaking- this happened also to me.
flat tires
blow outs
you will loose the cap on your air pressure valve
EPA audits
out of gas
out of beer
out of Jack Daniels on Sunday
cigarette tax
nobody laughs at your jokes- imagine that
medical fraud
malpractice
group insurance canceled unless the whole group gets sick
raw fish
Democratic Republicans
right wing liberals
only Rush Limbaugh on the radio
Hillary will be president
North Korea bombs Pearl Harbor
comets fall on Alabama
Cupid looses his bow
arriving dead in Florida
the gulf of Mexico will freeze over
global warming will happen- not too bad for Wisconsin
Government ran medical system
communist plots
tomato blossom rot
gun control
lawn mower brigades
clean politicians
They will start saying the J in San Jose'- if you have a San Hose' it is ok unless it is Hune or Huly
moles
warts
toad frogs in your bed
lazy eye
lazy Susan's
Klinepeter- kline is the German word for small
lagitation
aviation
navigation
enunciations
regurgitation
infuriation
constipation- I hate that
diarrhea- don't like that neither
gonorrhea
hair growing in all the wrong places
sunburn
hair loss
club feet
flat feet
funny bones
knock knees
pigeon toes
pimples
acne
Acne bricks
scratched CDs
lose one card in the deck
frigid air
French fried taters
liverworts
liver spots
hog head cheese
Arby's runs out of roast beef- I had that happen to me
Subway runs out of bread- that happened to me as well
fish want bite- they bit yesterday
have to go noodeling for catfish with one of your Alabama friends- just stick your arm inside of that holler cypress stump and the catfish bites your arm and bring it out of the water- the catfish can weigh up to 80 pounds
go fishing with dynamite and discover your best friend in the boat with you is an undercover game warden- give him a lit stick of dynamite and ask, "Gary to you want to fish or do you want to argue?"
frostbite
IRS audits- had several- one by Herby Kilpatrick- When he was 11, I pushed him off the back of the wagon during a hayride with the baseball team. Herby broke his arm. Daddy and I thought he was kidding and made him walk back to the camp. During the last audit, they discovered the bookkeeper forgot to pay taxes for 2 years--------------------almost lost the farm over that one.
workers compensation audit- had one of those today- found out the guy used to play for the other team in Little League and I struck him out on a routine basis- payback is not so good
alien invasions
Cant find your car keys
cant find your car at Wal-Mart parking lot
You can find your keys and you can find your car, but you can't remember what to do with them after you found them.
Now if that ain't funny, then take your computer and go home
pnu- amonia
loss of hair
ticks
fleas
Fear of spiders

fear of giant biting turtles
tunnel vision
bladder control
low white blood cells
high water britches
fear of being skunked
water on the knees
athletes feet
jock itch
crabs
spiders
snakes in your swimming pool
fear of flamingos
mosquitoes
bats in your bell free
low batting average
razor burn
diarrhea
anal seepage- no more hot pants for you!
hydrophobia
claustrophobia
fear of heights
market phobia
agoraphobia
Contreltophobia
Dystychiphobia
Autophobia or Monophobia
loss of imagination
paranoia
gonorrhea
VD
STD
computer virus
floppy discs
gaiters in your bell free
Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever
Lime disease
Swine flu
fear of pigs
measles
mumps
twinkle toes
holy moleys
scarlet fever
loss of virginity
loss of virgin ears
bleeding ulcers
Doraphobia
Agrizoophobia
Neophobia
speeding tickets
leaky sinks
noisy pipes
leaky septic tank vents
ghosts in the attic
gutter brain
mold in the bathroom
brain farts
forgetfulness
selfishness
selflessness
lost cats
fear of Bald, becoming- Phalacrophobia
fear of Bald people- Peladophobia.
fear of Bacteria- Bacteriophobia
fear of Yellow color- Xanthophobia.
fear of Vegetables- Lachanophobia
Cypriphobia, Cyprianophobia, or Cyprinophobia
fear of Ventriloquist's dummy- Automatonophobia
Fear of running over horses
frozen pipes
busted pipes
Plumber's crack
long time in security line for flights
missed flights
overbooked flights
getting on the wrong plane
loss of baggage on flights
bad teeth
green teeth
denture ware
loose pants
holes in shoes
gas guzzlers
red lights
spots in eyes
fear of iron statues
low putting average
forgetfulness
shrinking membranes
ineffectiveness of Viagra
ringing in the ears
deathless
low self esteem
fear of Worms- Scoleciphobia
fear of Worms, being infested with- Helminthophobia
fear of Women, beautiful- Caligynephobia or Venstraphobia
fear of Work- Ergophobia or Ponophobia
to name a few
You fell asleep during an 8 hour smoke school classroom and when you wok up everyone was gone and the door was locked. So you had to spend the night in the classroom with no heat.
You fell asleep during an 8 hour smoke school classroom and nobody told you how to read the opacity of a steam plume. Although you passed the certification test, you did not have a clue how to put the information to use during your state DEQ inspections. On the state job you read the opacity of a steam plume for 6 minutes and came out with an average of 80% opacity. You wrote a Notice of Violation when the opacity should have been zero. The plant had been to a Whitlow Smoke School so they decided to take your Notice of Violation to court rather then pay the fine. The plant hired a lawyer and sent the lawyer to a Whitlow Smoke School to learn how to read the opacity correctly. The lawyer took the judge and the court to the plant along with you and the other state inspectors. The court read the opacity correctly at zero but you still read the opacity at 80% and demanded that you were correct and all of the others were mistaken. The judge kicked your case out of court and you got fired because you were an embarrassment to the department. Unfortunately, this actually did happen more than once. Lesson- if the plume has steam, and the steam is attached to the smokestack, read the opacity at the end of the steam plume after all of the steam has evaporated. If the steam is doing it's job correctly the opacity should be zero or at least under the permitted limit. If the steam plume is detached, not touching the top of the smokestack, then read the opacity before the steam starts. Again the opacity should be zero or at least under the permitted level- unless you are not standing in the correct place or something broke.

Fear of getting kicked out of Victoria Secrets

Fear of Helicopters blowing your hat off

Fear of the Louisiana State Bird- mosquitoes

Back to a good smoke school