Side Effects of Choosing a Bad Smoke School Provider:
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Music- Barroom Buddies sang by Everybody's
hero Clint Eastwood and my cousin Merle
You Don't Like Whitlow Smoke School-
Go Ahead- Make my Day
Scroll down past my picture if you feel lucky- to see the side
effects of not Choosing Whitlow

My
Cousin Merle

Common Side Effects of Other Smoke School Providers
- itchy watery eyes
- fear of
Tests, taking- Testophobia
- lumps on head due to flying clipboards
- rain washing the ink off of your test paper
- frozen fingers
- wet hair
- yard chair blisters on your rear end
- having your vision of the smokestack being obstructed by
a Mack Truck, as the driver stops and gets out to ask you what you are
doing.
- hearing the words number one, read, and then getting run
over by a Mack Truck
- tunnel vision


- optical illusions Click one of my eyes.
- fear of running over an Amish Buggy
- constipation
- droopy eyelids
- Murphy's Law will get you
- Joe Friday will get you
- Barney Fife will find another bullet
- 2+2 will equal 6
- 79 will go into 18
- snow in August
- run out of gas on your deer stand
- ride with your friend to your deer stand, get in the
stand and realize you left your gun at the camp- that did happen to me
- ride with your friend to your deer stand, wait until
after dark, and hear the motor on your friends truck crank up and he leaves
you in the woods. It was not cold when you got to the stand at 2 pm, so you
left your coat at the camp. The temperature drops below freezing at
midnight, you cant get a fire to stay lit, your flashlight runs out of
batteries, you are wearing doe in heat, you hear an animal stalking you in
the dark woods, is it a bear or a big buck? It turns out to be a beagle
puppy and you snuggle up to each other to keep warm. After daylight Uncle
Bill shows up to pick you up. All of that and you are still speaking- this
happened also to me.
- flat tires
- blow outs
- you will loose the cap on your air pressure valve
- EPA audits
- out of gas
- out of beer
- out of Jack Daniels on Sunday
- cigarette tax
- nobody laughs at your jokes- imagine that
- medical fraud
- malpractice
- group insurance canceled unless the whole group gets sick
- raw fish
- Democratic Republicans
- right wing liberals
- only Rush Limbaugh on the radio
- Hillary will be president
- North Korea bombs Pearl Harbor
- comets fall on Alabama
- Cupid looses his bow
- arriving dead in Florida
- the gulf of Mexico will freeze over
- global warming will happen- not too bad for Wisconsin
- Government ran medical system
- communist plots
- tomato blossom rot
- gun control
- lawn mower brigades
- clean politicians
- They will start saying the J in San Jose'- if you have a
San Hose' it is ok unless it is Hune or Huly
- moles
- warts
- toad frogs in your bed
- lazy eye
- lazy Susan's
- Klinepeter- kline is the German word for small
- lagitation
- aviation
- navigation
- enunciations
- regurgitation
- infuriation
- constipation- I hate that
- diarrhea- don't like that neither
- gonorrhea
- hair growing in all the wrong places
- sunburn
- hair loss
- club feet
- flat feet
- funny bones
- knock knees
- pigeon toes
- pimples
- acne
- Acne bricks
- scratched CDs
- lose one card in the deck
- frigid air
- French fried taters
- liverworts
- liver spots
- hog head cheese
- Arby's runs out of roast beef- I had that happen to me
- Subway runs out of bread- that happened to me as well
- fish want bite- they bit yesterday
- have to go noodeling for catfish with one of your Alabama
friends- just stick your arm inside of that holler cypress stump and the
catfish bites your arm and bring it out of the water- the catfish can weigh
up to 80 pounds
- go fishing with dynamite and discover your best friend in
the boat with you is an undercover game warden- give him a lit stick of
dynamite and ask, "Gary to you want to fish or do you want to argue?"
- frostbite
- IRS audits- had several- one by Herby Kilpatrick- When he
was 11, I pushed him off the back of the wagon during a hayride with the
baseball team. Herby broke his arm. Daddy and I thought he was kidding and
made him walk back to the camp. During the last audit, they discovered the
bookkeeper forgot to pay taxes for 2 years--------------------almost lost
the farm over that one.
- workers compensation audit- had one of those today- found
out the guy used to play for the other team in Little League and I struck
him out on a routine basis- payback is not so good
- alien invasions
- Cant find your car keys
- cant find your car at Wal-Mart parking lot
- You can find your keys and you can find your car, but you
can't remember what to do with them after you found them.
- Now if that ain't funny, then take your computer and go
home
- pnu- amonia
- loss of hair
- ticks
- fleas
- Fear of spiders
/
Place your mouse near this spider and see if it follows you. Click view
refresh if you can not see the spider in the box- fear of giant biting turtles

- tunnel vision
- bladder control

- low white blood cells
- high water britches
- fear of being skunked
- water on the knees
- athletes feet
- jock itch
- crabs
- spiders
- snakes in your swimming pool

- fear of flamingos
- mosquitoes
- bats in your bell free
- low batting average
- razor burn
- diarrhea
- anal seepage- no more hot pants for you!
- hydrophobia
- claustrophobia
- fear of heights
- market phobia
- agoraphobia
- Contreltophobia
- Dystychiphobia
- Autophobia or
Monophobia
- loss of imagination
- paranoia
- gonorrhea
- VD
- STD
- computer virus
- floppy discs
- gaiters in your bell free

- Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever
- Lime disease
- Swine flu
- fear of pigs
- measles
- mumps
- twinkle toes
- holy moleys
- scarlet fever
- loss of virginity
- loss of virgin ears
- bleeding ulcers
- Doraphobia
- Agrizoophobia
- Neophobia
- speeding tickets
- leaky sinks
- noisy pipes
- leaky septic tank vents
- ghosts in
the attic
- gutter brain
- mold in the bathroom
- brain farts
- forgetfulness
- selfishness
- selflessness
- lost cats
- fear of
Bald, becoming- Phalacrophobia
- fear of
Bald people- Peladophobia.
- fear of
Bacteria- Bacteriophobia
- fear of Yellow color-
Xanthophobia.
- fear of Vegetables-
Lachanophobia
- Cypriphobia, Cyprianophobia, or Cyprinophobia
- fear of
Ventriloquist's dummy-
Automatonophobia
- Fear of running over horses
- frozen pipes
- busted pipes
- Plumber's crack
- long time in security line
for flights
- missed flights
- overbooked flights
- getting on the wrong plane
- loss of baggage on flights
- bad teeth
- green teeth
- denture ware
- loose pants
- holes in shoes
- gas guzzlers
- red lights
- spots in eyes
- fear of iron statues

- low putting average
- forgetfulness
- shrinking membranes
- ineffectiveness of Viagra
- ringing in the ears
- deathless
- low self esteem
- fear of
Worms- Scoleciphobia
- fear of
Worms, being infested with-
Helminthophobia
- fear of
Women, beautiful- Caligynephobia
or Venstraphobia
- fear of
Work- Ergophobia or Ponophobia
- to name a few
- You fell asleep during an 8 hour smoke school classroom
and when you wok up everyone was gone and the door was locked. So you had to
spend the night in the classroom with no heat.
- You fell asleep during an 8 hour smoke school classroom
and nobody told you how to read the opacity of a steam plume. Although you
passed the certification test, you did not have a clue how to put the
information to use during your state DEQ inspections. On the state job you
read the opacity of a steam plume for 6 minutes and came out with an average
of 80% opacity. You wrote a Notice of Violation when the opacity should have
been zero. The plant had been to a Whitlow Smoke School so they decided to
take your Notice of Violation to court rather then pay the fine. The plant
hired a lawyer and sent the lawyer to a Whitlow Smoke School to learn how to
read the opacity correctly. The lawyer took the judge and the court to the
plant along with you and the other state inspectors. The court read the
opacity correctly at zero but you still read the opacity at 80% and demanded
that you were correct and all of the others were mistaken. The judge kicked
your case out of court and you got fired because you were an embarrassment
to the department. Unfortunately, this actually did happen more than once.
Lesson- if the plume has steam, and the steam is attached to the smokestack,
read the opacity at the end of the steam plume after all of the steam has
evaporated. If the steam is doing it's job correctly the opacity should be
zero or at least under the permitted limit. If the steam plume is detached,
not touching the top of the smokestack, then read the opacity before the
steam starts. Again the opacity should be zero or at least under the
permitted level- unless you are not standing in the correct place or
something broke.

- Fear of getting kicked out of Victoria Secrets

- Fear of Helicopters blowing your hat off

Fear of the Louisiana State Bird- mosquitoes

Back to a good smoke
school