Why Uncle Buck Thinks Teaching compliance for opacity reading requirements is important and why we feel the smoke school test should be so much easier than other smoke school providers.

From 1984 until 2001 I had conducted smoke school for Louisiana DEQ. We averaged 500 people every 6 months including industry, state environmental enforcement staff, and the Dallas office of the EPA. Before that I was an inspector on your side of the smoke machine and I took the hard test over and over again. They did not do any teaching, just banged into it as if you had been taking the test for years. Number 1- READ, Number 2- READ and so forth. They did not create a contrasting background for reading white smoke with white clouds for a background. I simply could not see the white smoke. If it rained, the paper got soaking wet, the ink ran across the page. I sat there in a yard chair as wet as a ducks back. When you are wet and it is cold- well you freeze and have trouble writing. The public address system was cheap and I had trouble understanding what was being said. The answer sheet was very confusing. You had to circle the correct answer with numbers going from the far left to the far right and from top to bottom. Sometimes I skipped an answer on one line and had 2 or 3 circled on another line. The pace of the test was just too fast for logic. It was very obvious that they just spun open the needle valve for the fuel and where ever it stopped, they said read. They went from 10 to 90 to 5 to 80 back and forth and up and down. The entire experience reminded me of Russian Roulette and the Vietnam War. Bang, bang, bang.

I kept thinking there must be an easier way. None of the smokestacks that I had ever read opacity on ever behaved in such a manor. They were always pretty constant and stable and 9 times out of 10 they were well below an average of 20% or whatever was written on their permit. On the rare occasions when I read smoke above 50% I could easily convince a judge without properly documenting the opacity on an EPA Method 9 Form. During one inspection, the plume shot up to 100 % black smoke and the E H S man with me dropped his clipboard and started running. He shouted, "You better read that one over your shoulder and haul butte, because something is on fire and it is going to blow up!" I simply could not see any logical reason for jumping around in such a manor except to make the test easier and faster to give and very difficult to pass. Giving a logical common sense test that represented the real world conditions of low level opacity, teaching people how to read opacity correctly, and how to take the test would take a lot longer for each run but everyone would learn something and pass much sooner and certainly before the end of the day. 

When they called out the answers sometimes I just did not hear them or could not understand them. They called out the answers rapidly like they gave the test. I could not keep up. It was obvious that their goal was to do as many runs of the test a day as humanly possible, without care or concern that 50% of those taking the test failed time and time again. When they called out the answers and people missed one by more th an 15%, someone threw a clipboard and hit me in the head. I screamed out MEDIC IV'E BEEN HIT! Clipboards were flying, men were cussing, and I was hoping Jesus would come back soon and blow his trumpet.

There were a few years that I took it about 15 times and just could not pass. One particular day I stayed taking the test to the very last minute, did not pass, and had to rush across town for a deposition in a court case. I ran into the restroom, gargled some Doctor Tishner's antiseptic mouthwash, spayed on some Channel Number 5 perfume, pulled up my girdle that kept my belly from flopping around, squeezed into my Salvation Army $25 dollar gray suit and tie, and jumped into my old beat-up state DEQ car and fled. I turned on my emergency response red light on the dashboard and hit about 80 cursing down Interstate 10 over LSU Lake headed downtown Baton Rouge to an attorney's office near the state capitol.

All of a sudden like, the orange state D O T D truck in front of me turned on his red light, and immediately hit the brakes to pick up a 2 X 4 board that had fallen out of the open bed of a picking up truck. It all happened in slow motion right before my very eyes. Suddenly opacity seemed like a far away dream. I saw my entire life flash before me. The concrete wall Jersey Barrier was on my immediate left, I glanced in the mirror and saw the line of cars speeding behind me and to my right. I glanced at the clock on the dashboard, it was 1 PM rush hour lunch traffic. I said a quick praise the Lord and slammed on the brakes. The squealing tires on the pavement deafened me. The smell of burnt rubber and exhaust filled the air over the lake. To top it off a D O T D man got out of the passenger door and stepped into my right lane. I watched the D O T D letters get bigger and bigger in front of my eyes. Then at the last second I closed my eyes, covered my face, and shrunk down into the driver's seat. Miraculously, God must have heard my plea and when I opened my eyes, I was one foot behind the tailgate. The relief was short lived, because the cars behind me were not so lucky. The first car slammed into the trunk of my already beat up Olds. This was followed immediately by 5 other impacts as the chain reaction collisions occurred in seconds.  I was in a light state of shock. I felt my body for broken bones and blood. There was none.

I took grabbed my microphone and informed the dispatcher that I was in a car wreck and that I was going to miss my deposition. I reached in my console for my DEQ inspector's camera and my clipboard of forms for recording information for automobile accident reporting for state vehicles. Then I walked back along the interstate along the wreckage to see if anyone was hurt. Nobody was. That is a miracle.

It took another hour to complete the accident forms and listen to the police. I missed my lawyer's appointment and had to record my deposition the next day and I never did take the Method 9 test again. Since I was not certified I had to find another means of occupying my work time other than doing opacity readings during inspections. I had lost my certification to conduct Method 9 inspections. It would be 6 months until I was able to try the test again. I rekindled my earlier ambition to buy a few John Deer Tractors and lawn mowers and open a business bush hogging and mowing yards. I spent 8 hours on a John Deer tractor, Just thinking of you all day. I have a 2 room flat and a calico cat in a sweet in East L A. You're the reason God made Oklahoma.

A few weeks later I had to testify in a class action lawsuit against a prominent hazardous waste incineration plant. The suit had been going on for several years and because of it's racial and economical history, had caught the  attention of the national media. This was my first appearance in court and I did not know what to do or say. Chris Roberie my boss said to tell the truth, the whole truth, nothing but the truth so help me God and just be myself. The second part of his statement was bad advice. I have always felt that laughter is the best medicine.

They locked me in a sound proof room so I could not hear other's testimony. I felt extremely clostiphobic and I was very apprehensive to say the least. It was my first time in court. The next thing you know I was standing in between the Judge and a court room full of cameras and people. I developed extreme stage fright and had to check to see if my pants were zipped. Fat people can't see their zipper. My girdle was too tight and I needed to go to the bathroom. I had spilled half a cup of coffee on the front of my suit, the tie hurt my neck, and my shoes hurt my feet.

Defense lawyer questions

"Where else did you conduct an inspection on that day."

"Hell, I can't remember, where were you son?" Followed by much laughter through out the court. You need to maintain a log book for all of your emission sources, control equipment, and daily opacity checks.

"I have your vehicle log record. You were at a rendering plant in Holden Louisiana, is that correct."

"As a matter if fact I was- stunk to high heaven."

"Which plant smelled worse?"

"The rendering plant."

"Why didn't you fine them 9 million dollars?"

"I'm not the boss, ask her. One plant was skinning rabbits and the other was spewing out toxic poison all over Baton Rouge. Wouldn't you think that was a big difference? " Followed by much laughter through out the court.

"How tall was the smoke stack?"

"30 feet." Followed by much laughter through out the court.

"The other witnesses said it was hundred feet." (You should check a blueprint to see how tall your stack is.)

"Did you record your opacity readings on an EPA Method 9 form?"

"No, I left my forms and clipboard in the office, it was midnight." (Always keep your method 9 forms, camera, stopwatch, and clipboard handy.)

"How did you know the opacity was 100%?"

"It blocked out the stars and the moon. The incinerator operator had left the control on manual instead of automatic and was outside washing a truck. The wet scrubber had shut down and the steam was replaced by a giant plume of thick black smoke. I thought it was going to blow up."  Much laugher from the Judge and then the court.

"Were you afraid?"

"Have you ever seen the movie China Syndrome where the nuclear power plant melted and killed all of those people in California. The plant was out of control. I had no ideal what they were burning and I figured I would never see my momma again. I smelled something strange. It smelled toxic, or it could have been something that I ate stuck in my mustache. "

Everything the lawyer asked me backfired. The judge fell out of the chair onto the floor laughing. The entire court went out of control laughing. The lawyer dismissed me to my relief. The next morning Channel 9 and 2 and the newspaper quoted me word for word. In the paper the judge stated that my testimony and the other witnesses differed greatly but mine was more believable.

Bright and early the next morning Chris called me into his office and locked the door. I thought I was in the marines. He screamed "You are the laughing stock of the department. You are an embarrassment to humanity. You are out of the Shrine Club. I checked and you are civil service and I can't fire you. But I can make sure that you never again enter a court room and you never again enter the gates of any plant. I am putting you on maintenance and smoke school." I started crying. He looked at me in disgust and pity. "You still have a job, but I am ordering you to keep a low profile. Pack your stuff and get out of your office."

I guess I was led to this smoke school, my new calling. This all had to be part of God's master plan for my life. As a direct result of my testimony several career industrial plant E H S and one operator with 20 years on the job lost their jobs as a simple result of a mistake by not putting the wet scrubber on manual mode while the operator was washing a truck. The 9 million dollar class action settlement and the 4 million dollar penalty and the firing of all of those workers shocked me.

I have been bound and determined after all of this to teach compliance and the importance of compliance. I am also determined to teach how to pass the test and teach people how to make opacity second nature. I am very adamant about setting the stage for smoke school- creating contrasting backgrounds, not jumping around on opacity values, and focusing on low level opacities. We provide shelter from rain and snow and use simplified answer sheets.  I insist on conducting the test slowly and reading the answer sheets slowly so you can keep up. We monitor the crowd to make sure that you demonstrate that you understand the fundamentals. I have tried to select employees that would exercise the same philosophy and be team players. To be honest finding good help is hard to do. I am very pleased with our entire staff and am positive that they will carry on the Whitlow tradition of customer service. I demand the very best from each employee.